How it began
I'm going to post here once a week until I feel like everything I learned over the past year, everything that could be of value to other subs is up here.
What struck me one day as I was descending in a post session depression, a portion of my savings no longer mine, was how my submissiveness had changed. It began as a thrill at being called names, then I moved on to tease and denial, then to humiliation, to recreational findom, and finally the constant urge to be financially destroyed.
Dommes were everywhere, more every day, but they were only interested in findom. Humiliation was work for them, time consuming, weird, and soon most the dommes I was dealing with were grooming me to get into findom. I always had money. BDSM teaches you a lot about yourself. A lot of my pride was based on my money and giving women a decent amount of it got a reaction out of me. I felt like I was shrinking in front of them and the certainty that I was eventually going to be driven into debt by them made me humble, diminished. Panic and shame would convert into subspace. Subspace would make me pay more. The cycle continued, sped up, was breaking me down. Eventually, I noticed my credit card bills were getting more expensive. I was buying findom instead of humiliation clips. Findom was pervasive online. If you had any interest in it it would get nurtured. The less attention I gave to my other fetishes the weaker the urge to experience them became. Soon friendships I had with dommes and cam girls changed. They would learn what got me worked up, how to use that to make me spend. One would notice my eyes being glazed over, they saw that certain names she'd call me would make me more obedient, one found out how pot made me scattered and less likely to pay while beer made me angry but other drinks made me spend impulsively. Anyway, it wasn't long before I had stopped paying just for a service and was paying to keep the submissive high going or because i was so submissive saying no was not an available option. Some of these women went from girls i would hang with to authority figures I felt lucky to look at.
I tried to quit many times before and failed. Efforts to quit completely made the desire to do it stronger and eventually I'd cave. The more defiant I was, the harder i fought the more self destructive i became later. It was impossible. This is my nature. I can't change.
Except I'm young. I can't build a life on a blighted foundation. My girlfriend began noticing mood changes in me. She said I was getting depressed more often. Oddly, I was only submissive in any way when I was online. One day my dad noticed how much of my savings I had spent. Everything was falling apart and saying I was helpless was no longer excusable. Things needed to change.
I've been successful in just about every challenge I've applied myself to. I decided to treat myself in a detached way. If someone came to me with this problem and I was assigned to figure out the puzzle to help him what would I recommend?
1. Make a reasonable short/mid term goal. Quitting is not reasonable. I love being in subspace. So my goal was to pay a lot less but make no attempt to remove myself from the entire scene.
2. Since my fetish was groomed, it's a conditioned response. It was not my original fetish and I'm not submissive with my girlfriend. Start reconditioning myself.
3. Set a budget. I need prompts when to stop spending. Take records of every payment when i make it. When i hit the budget ceiling start problem solving to make sure i didn't pay again until the following month.
4. Change how I define failure. If i spent over that budget don't get demoralized. Success will be based on a long trend line not a momentary setback.
What struck me one day as I was descending in a post session depression, a portion of my savings no longer mine, was how my submissiveness had changed. It began as a thrill at being called names, then I moved on to tease and denial, then to humiliation, to recreational findom, and finally the constant urge to be financially destroyed.
Dommes were everywhere, more every day, but they were only interested in findom. Humiliation was work for them, time consuming, weird, and soon most the dommes I was dealing with were grooming me to get into findom. I always had money. BDSM teaches you a lot about yourself. A lot of my pride was based on my money and giving women a decent amount of it got a reaction out of me. I felt like I was shrinking in front of them and the certainty that I was eventually going to be driven into debt by them made me humble, diminished. Panic and shame would convert into subspace. Subspace would make me pay more. The cycle continued, sped up, was breaking me down. Eventually, I noticed my credit card bills were getting more expensive. I was buying findom instead of humiliation clips. Findom was pervasive online. If you had any interest in it it would get nurtured. The less attention I gave to my other fetishes the weaker the urge to experience them became. Soon friendships I had with dommes and cam girls changed. They would learn what got me worked up, how to use that to make me spend. One would notice my eyes being glazed over, they saw that certain names she'd call me would make me more obedient, one found out how pot made me scattered and less likely to pay while beer made me angry but other drinks made me spend impulsively. Anyway, it wasn't long before I had stopped paying just for a service and was paying to keep the submissive high going or because i was so submissive saying no was not an available option. Some of these women went from girls i would hang with to authority figures I felt lucky to look at.
I tried to quit many times before and failed. Efforts to quit completely made the desire to do it stronger and eventually I'd cave. The more defiant I was, the harder i fought the more self destructive i became later. It was impossible. This is my nature. I can't change.
Except I'm young. I can't build a life on a blighted foundation. My girlfriend began noticing mood changes in me. She said I was getting depressed more often. Oddly, I was only submissive in any way when I was online. One day my dad noticed how much of my savings I had spent. Everything was falling apart and saying I was helpless was no longer excusable. Things needed to change.
I've been successful in just about every challenge I've applied myself to. I decided to treat myself in a detached way. If someone came to me with this problem and I was assigned to figure out the puzzle to help him what would I recommend?
1. Make a reasonable short/mid term goal. Quitting is not reasonable. I love being in subspace. So my goal was to pay a lot less but make no attempt to remove myself from the entire scene.
2. Since my fetish was groomed, it's a conditioned response. It was not my original fetish and I'm not submissive with my girlfriend. Start reconditioning myself.
3. Set a budget. I need prompts when to stop spending. Take records of every payment when i make it. When i hit the budget ceiling start problem solving to make sure i didn't pay again until the following month.
4. Change how I define failure. If i spent over that budget don't get demoralized. Success will be based on a long trend line not a momentary setback.
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